I’m having trouble breathing… I feel as if the air is made of lead, pressing in on my chest. It’s a very strange sensation, this inescapable dread of the next moment—even in my anxiety I am able to focus my attention on the sensation and observe my breathing, its shallowness, its timidity, its ineffectuality.
My computer at home died, which may not seem like much of a tragedy, but it does make it difficult for me to accomplish several important tasks. Because I’ve quit school, my email account is being cancelled. Because I don’t take photographs, my email is my only reliable method for reviving memories of former days. Because my current life is so tedious, those memories are my sole source of joy (aside, perhaps, from Train Girl sightings). Because I’m behind a firewall and draconian LAN policies at work, I can’t get POP3 access to my school account from work. Because the whole JHU sucks ass (and the email facility is particularly moronic, inaccessible, closed and unfriendly), I can’t get those files any other way. Being able to work from home would be nice. Real nice. But I can’t.
I’m also currently trying to study for the LSAT and apply to law schools. Don’t ask me why. Please don’t ask me why. Just know that it’s a bit stressful after spending twelve hours each day commuting and working to come home, eat cold left-overs, walk to campus, and fight the undergrads for the LSAT manuals.
I’ve also just taken a pay cut because my boss, in trying to find out how to get me benefits (unbeknownst to me, I was originally hired as a “temporary employee” so even though I’ve now gone full-time, I’m still not eligible for benefits), notified the Powers That Be™ that I’m making more than a “temporary employee” is supposed to make. My boss assures me that I won’t have to pay the “extra” wages that I’ve already made back… But I also just doubled my rent, I have to pay rent for both apartments in October, I have to buy health insurance, auto insurance, renters insurance and food, my student loans are coming due, and I have to register my car in Maryland and pay the appropriate taxes.
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, I don’t seem to be employable anywhere sensible, I can’t do anything social because I live in Baltimore and all my friends are in DC (or further), and I’m hopelessly smitten with a girl I’ll never talk to.
And I’m having trouble breathing.
How was your day?
NP: The Alkaline Trio, Maybe I’ll Catch Fire
You sound like you are is pretty rough shape Mike.
But since you asked, I had a good day yesterday. After my pennance at the office, I had a quick dinner and then went to the Knights of Columbus, where we worked on planning an Oktoberfest party for the 28th, and worked on planning a knighting ceremony on Oct 12th, and a childrens party on Nov 2. After our meeting we had some beer and talked about the square of opposition and the problems with Hegelian phenomenology. then I went home to bed. Now I’m at work again doing my weekday pennance.
I’ve quit feeling bad (most of the time) about having defaulted on my student loans. I have decided there is noting I can do about it that wouldn’t involve committing some evil acts. I still lament that I don’t know what to do now that I’ve grown up, and I tire of being the smart one amongst my group of friends, and also the one with the worst and lowest paying job.
But I’m largely satisfied with life. I have found that everywhere I look there is something beautiful, and I’ve found that the world really overflows with goodness if only we allow ourselves to see it. Evil is something that must be dealt with, but we can’t allow it to overcome us. Life is discovered in the small moments, and it is discovered with other people.
Today is the first of the fall Ember Days, friday and saturday are the others. It is an ancient observance going back to Apostolic times. The Ember Days are a time of prayer and fasting in thanksgiving for the fruits of the harvest and the bounty of creation. Participation in the Ember Days can help us to remember who we are and where we came from. It can remind us that we are intimately connected to the timelessness of the Earth and its goodness. There is nothing like hunger to force this reminder. It serves to teach us that we do not really belong to our jobs, or our schools, or our cities, or our govenments. The Ember Days remind us that we are not our debts or our education or our capacities and aptitudes. We are God’s creation, and its His definitions that really count; not ours. Kierkegaard also teaches this in “the sickness unto death”
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Comment by Ben—September 18, 2002 @ 11:26 am